When you first meet proud Dunghutti author Ashlee Donohue her most striking feature is that she comes from a position of strength not disempowerment.
She’s re-released her memoir, Because I Love Him, which details her own journey through domestic violence.
“I think my story is relatable to many women,” she said.
“My hope is that if women read this book and pick it up, they know that there, there is a way out, there is hope.”
Ashlee’s book has been described as an unflinching and harrowing personal account.
She revealed how her ex-partner repeatedly abused her physically, mentally, and emotionally over many, many years.
“I cried every day I wrote the book. I didn’t want to carry the story anymore. So, it was a huge part of my healing,” she said.
“I wouldn’t be able to sit here and speak so openly about it had I not put it in words, on paper.”
Ashlee Donohue’s memoir Because I Loved Him released by Magabala Books. Credit: Living Black
Many ask: “Why don’t you just leave him?”
Ashlee answers emphatically without hesitation, “it’s a setup to fail system”.
“There are so many reasons to send them back.”
She explains there are many kinds of abusive, emotional, financial, and coercive control. Lots of women end up bankrupt, there is a fear of having to start from scratch, you lose your support network and fear for your family’s safety.
Nationally, we’re hearing that one woman is being killed every nine days. A recent report by Our Watch found that one in five Indigenous women have experiences physical or sexual violence perpetrated by a male partner.
“It is an epidemic. I think we need to switch the statistics. Why can’t that be one in three men may be perpetrators of domestic violence?
“The onus is always placed on the woman, you know, as the victim of violence why is it all put on women, when they are victims of a crime? Hitting somebody is a crime.”
It took Ashlee more than fourteen years to finally leave her relationship.
“I genuinely thought I loved him. I thought that we would grow old together,” she said.
“We’d be, you know, and live a happily ever after life. But it was never gonna happen because he was so controlling.”
Proud Aboriginal woman Ashlee Donohue has re-released her memoir, Because I Loved Him. Source: Supplied
She understands that women perpetually talk themselves out of leaving an abusive partner.
Poverty and connections to family are two of the main reasons women ignore red flags in the relationship.
“In these relationships we wait for an excuse to leave. So, we wait for an incident. We wait for an act of violence. We wait for them to do something, so we’ve got an excuse to leave.
And we’ve got to stop that narrative. We don’t need an excuse to leave.
The author says writing helped her heal from the trauma and gain strength to be more proactive in tackling violence against First Nations women.
She is the CEO of Mudgin-Gal, the only Aboriginal service in Metropolitan Sydney that is completely staffed and managed by Aboriginal women focused on Domestic and Family Violence Prevention, and has been in service for 32 years, providing a safe space for women.
“We have never been funded by the government for a domestic violence or sexual assault worker. They just don’t see us. They know we’re there, because they use Mudgin-Gal in their reports, but they never engage with us,” she said.
“For 32 years, never been funded because we’re not apparent frontline services. But we are. We’re the ones that are seeing Aboriginal women run through the door, covered in blood.”
Ashlee began working in the domestic violence and education space over two decades ago.
Involved in designing education resources and curriculums on domestic and family violence for several prominent organisations such as the NRL.
Getting organisations to better understand the unique plight of her mob when it comes to tackling domestic violence.
“I’m continually trying to get people to understand that anything that’s written, the legislation, the safety plans, through academics, through researchers, is seen through a white lens. And that lens does not see Aboriginal women,” she said.
“Not all Aboriginal women, but a lot of Aboriginal women are living below the poverty line. And so, nobody’s seeing them in this, in this domestic violence talk.”
Finally invited to the United Nations commission on the status of women in New York, after attending of her own accord for several years, Ashlee believes this is critical to bringing about change locally.
“So, it’s being seen at an international level. And just letting all these people know that we exist. It’s extremely important. It’s lovely to think that the government’s going to save us from violence,” she said.
“The government’s not gonna save us. It’s gonna help us fund programs, you know, organisations, but it’s important for us to be there and to take up space, because everyone that goes to these places that speak on Australia, will talk about Aboriginal women.
“That’s got to stop because unless you’ve felt what it’s like to grow up as an Aboriginal person in this country, as an Aboriginal woman that’s been through domestic violence, as an Aboriginal woman that’s not seen, you’re just guessing.”
Currently serving on the City of Sydney Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Advisory Panel and the DV New South Wales Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Advisory Committee, Ashlee is seeking better outcomes.
“Because domestic violence affects us more than any other nationality in this country. We are in the highest percentage of everything violent, that’s domestic violence, family violence, child removal, incarceration, homelessness, bad health, all of it,” she explained.
“We sit in the top percentage of all of that. “
In 2023, the Albanese government pledged $15 million to First Nations led research on domestic and family violence.
When asked where she thinks the money should go Ashlee said this “is the problem with the government . . . they’re continually putting money into research to tell us what we already know”.
“Put the money in community-controlled organisations.”
Recently $925 million in government funding has been promised to help victims of domestic violence leave abusive relationships. Ashlee is convinced it won’t eliminate violence against women in ten years as proposed.
“We won’t receive any of it. And the reality is, what can you do with $5,000 if you’re escaping domestic violence? Even if you’re the best budgeter in the world, it wouldn’t last you more than three months,” she said.
“They’re just putting a Band-Aid over, over a, a wound. And it’s only gonna get … grow, and grow, and grow.”
Ashlee thinks there needs to be worse consequences for perpetrators of domestic violence.
“When men were killing men the government brought in coward punch legislation, suburbs were closed, and curfews put in place. We no longer hear about these murders. All the legislation changed in an instant. But it’s not happening with domestic violence,” she said.
“You can get up to 20 years imprisonment if you’re found guilty of that. But you can’t use the coward punch in a domestic violence relationship because the person that you hit must be a stranger.
“So, a man can go home, punch his wife in the face, she can die from that, that law doesn’t apply to him because she’s not a stranger.”
Ashlee’s as an educator, campaigner, and Aboriginal woman, advises anyone who feels trapped in an abusive relationship and wants to leave to call 1-800-RESPECT
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