Imagine you’re a parent, and you go online one day to discover that other parents in your community have been talking about your family online for an entire month, all behind your back. They’ve circulated a petition to pressure your child’s school to prevent your child from being themself and had public Facebook discussions where you discover hateful comments about your kid. And all the while, nobody thought to say anything directly to you.
Unfortunately for Mortellus, a 42-year-old parent in North Carolina, they don’t have to imagine what that would feel like because they’re living it. Mortellus and their spouse Joe have 6-year-old twins who we’ll call “Sun” and “Moon” to protect their identities in this piece. Mortellus told BuzzFeed, “While some may ask why we’re willing to show a picture including the children’s faces, it’s to remind people that we — they — are human beings, not mythical villains that can be spoken about in the way they have so done.”
Mortellus told BuzzFeed, “As a pagan household, and I myself a trans nonbinary person, my children have had the ability to grow up in a home where there just isn’t that idea of being restricted by binary. Of course, it’s in the media, and they get a passing sense of it, but there is no pressure to conform. The twins are AFAB/AMAB (‘girl,’ ‘boy’), and Moon (not their real name) has been identifying as a ‘girl them’ for a bit, and pretty recently, Sun (not their real name) has identified as ‘she/her.’
They both love all kinds of things in terms of play, clothing, and so on, so I wouldn’t say liking nail polish and playing dress up in whatever is relating to gender per se since they don’t have that binary understanding that most children are exposed to from an early age. While I don’t know what these terms and expressions might mean to them at this stage of development, I support whatever feels right to them.”
Mortellus
Recently, Mortellus toured a new charter school for their kids. During the tour, they asked if gender-neutral bathrooms were available, explaining that their kids are nonbinary. Mortellus says that they were assured that although the school is still in the process of adding an ADA-compliant family bathroom, there are already single-stall restrooms available in each classroom, so their children will have a safe place to go.
It’s worth pointing out that in 2016, North Carolina was the first state to pass a law requiring people to use restrooms matching their assigned gender at birth. Public schools in North Carolina must adhere to this law, but charter schools like the one Mortellus toured are less stringent.
In recent years, North Carolina has continued to pass laws aimed at transgender youth, including a prohibition on gender-affirming medical care for minors.
Mortellus walked away from that conversation feeling reassured that the school would be a safe and welcoming place for their children to learn. However, somehow, this information about their children’s gender identity was leaked to other parents at the school, who started an online campaign against two literal 6-year-olds.
According to reporting by WSPA, a petition against gender-neutral bathrooms and opposing the use of “pronouns” in school circulated online, gaining 1,300 signatures from upset parents (FYI, we all use pronouns because that’s how the English language works). The petition, which was hosted on Change.org, has since been removed. However, Facebook posts about the petition remain up, and the petition was also discussed at a school board meeting in early May.
One parent claimed that gender-neutral bathrooms and pronouns represent a “safety issue” for their family. Another accused Mortellus and their child of being “confused” and attempting to “confuse” other people’s children as well. Another parent wrote, “Some want to cram their satanic ideas down your throat so they can make a mockery of God.” Others claimed the children were “too young” for ideas about gender, which they mistakenly conflated with sexuality (to clarify, gender describes your own personal identity, whereas sexuality is who you’re attracted to).
At the board meeting, where Mortellus was unaware their family was being discussed, only one parent spoke in support of the twins. They said, “Every student has the right to an environment that encourages learning and is free of destruction.”
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Mortellus discovered the backlash over their kids after it had been going on behind their back for weeks. They told BuzzFeed, “I became aware of it on June 3, after it had been happening in the public sphere for over a month and behind the scenes for even longer. When I saw it all… I sat there quietly for a moment, feeling like my stomach bottomed out.”
“I felt nauseous. I felt sad. I battled with myself over what the right reaction was… but I settled on anger. They’d all put my children in danger, and the school had done nothing to make us aware.”
Now, Mortellus is speaking out to clear up the assumptions that so many other parents have been quick to make about their family. “There has been an assumption that I walked in the doors of the school like a cartoon villain shouting HERE ARE MY DEMANDS — but that’s not true at all. I toured the school, chatting casually with staff and hoping to ensure that my children would get a good education and be afforded nothing more than what school policies already allowed and the same amount of support and protection that other children at the school enjoy.”
“I’d hoped that they would ensure that despite being a little offbeat as a family, we would not be treated poorly. We did, of course, chat casually about things in place that are not very supportive to LGBTQIA+ and/or non-Christian families, and the grammar school principal assured me that they were dedicated to bridging those gaps.
I think the biggest thing is that while we chatted about how the grammar school didn’t have a gender-neutral or ADA-compliant family bathroom, it’s a bit of a non-issue altogether because the youngest students already have a single-stall bathroom in each classroom. I wonder if it’s a surprise to the most hateful of those who attacked my family that their children already are, and always have been, using a gender-neutral bathroom.”
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Mortellus also responded to claims that their children are “too young” to understand gender. “In terms of simple child development, we know that children have a pretty strong idea of gender identity as early as three. Society doesn’t really make a fuss about heteronormative binaries being ‘understood’ by children — because that fits within the hegemony — but when it is an outsider group like my pagan family with a different idea of morality, ethics, and the world generally, suddenly that understanding is villainized.”
And they shared what they wish more parents understood about raising nonbinary kids: “That it’s as simple as letting children just… be. That identity is an evolution…not a destination.”
Mortellus also has thoughts on how Christianity has been invoked against their family. “It’s because, for some people, the right to religious freedom is only for those who share their beliefs. This is about protecting ‘Christian’ ideas about gender and sexuality, and we do not share those beliefs. We are not Christian. Our faith protects the right to express oneself as we see fit—not as imposed upon us by someone else’s god. The fact of the matter is that everyone participating in this discourse is intelligent enough to know that no rules or policies were changed and that kindergartners at that school already have gender-neutral bathrooms and always have.”
“It’s about the fact that staff — and through them, parents — became aware of a family that believed differently than them, didn’t like it, and want to ensure that the rules they have enjoyed the protections of don’t apply to that family equally. It’s having most of the parking lot be designed for you and parking in a handicapped space. It’s everything being closed on Sunday and being angry someone else’s child takes a day off of school for a religious observance. It’s not wanting to participate in someone’s rituals but wanting everyone else to participate in your prayers. It’s believing everyone should be denied an abortion because your faith demands it.”
They continued, saying, “They believe with all of their heart that I and my family should not exist in ‘their’ space, and if that is their assertion, then where are we to exist? I ask you to consider, were the tables turned, what would you want for your family? You would, of course, want to live alongside my children, protected by the law, yet not restrained in your expression of faith.”
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Finally, to counter the fear, hatred, and misunderstanding their family has been subjected to, Mortellus shared what they love about their twins. “The most joyful thing in the world to me is looking at either of those kids and just knowing that they’re living their best life and getting to explore who they are. So few people get that opportunity, and I’m so happy that they get to have it.”
“As for Moon, they want to grow up to be an astronaut, and hope to go to the Moon, and could tell you the technical name of nearly anything in space—even if currently they’re obsessed with unicorns. As for Sun? They’re an absolute math whiz — literally doing algebra at age 5, and I think they’ll probably grow up to do the math that sends their sibling to space. One of their current hobbies is inventing new NumberBlocks characters and building them in Minecraft.”
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