Drag performer on finding empowerment after childhood cancer – MASHAHER

After enduring years of gruelling treatment for cancer as a child, Teifi Rowlands was left self-conscious about their appearance and uncomfortable in their own skin.

But performing as drag alter ego Anniben has been a way of processing trauma and finding empowerment.

“It’s really been a saviour for me,” said Teifi.

Teifi was diagnosed with a tumour behind the eye at the age of six and spent a year as an inpatient in hospital, facing numerous rounds of chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

Now 21, they were finally discharged from their paediatric oncologist clinic in March.

“I’ve had some severe body dysmorphia… half my face looks different now, on one side I’ve got a flatter face, no eyebrow, my eye is sunken and my lip is like kind of more pushed one way,” they said.

“But with the make-up and the drag I can control how my face looks so I can eliminate these imperfections, if you want us to call them that, or I can lean into it and make more of a spectacle of it and make it kind of a badge of honour.”

Anniben, which means messy in Welsh, was a character Teifi began drawing when studying art at college.

“It was like a weird, clowny character with kind of sunken eyes, and then a big red nose,” they said.

“I thought ‘you look kind of ill and sickly’ and then it kind of clicked,” they said, adding it was “some sort of repressed trauma coming out”.

Then one day Teifi decided to use make-up to transform themselves into Anniben.

“I just realised that it was a really cool coping mechanism for me,” they said.

“It’s really helped me a lot.”

Teifi, who describes androgynous Anniben as a “drag thing”, said their performances were conceptual and unlike the cabaret style performances typical of drag queens.

“They’re gender fluid weirdness with a splash of camp, a splash of horror maybe and then just a lot of high energy and storytelling,” Teifi said.

During one performance Anniben fell in love with a cake and in another, inspired by the fantasy film Pan’s Labyrinth, they had a “queer awakening” and became a monster with eyeballs in the palms of their hands.

Teifi, who performs in both English and Welsh, said they felt “privileged” to be part of a small scene of Welsh-speaking drag acts in Cardiff.

“It’s really lovely to see queerness and Welshness bridging,” they said.

Performing as Anniben has also been a way for Teifi to explore their own gender identity.

“The majority of my life I have been identifying as a gay male but in the past couple of years, and fairly recently, I’ve been questioning my own gender identity,” said Teifi.

“I don’t think I’m a man but I don’t think I’m a woman either.

“When I present myself as this kind of androgynous character, I feel really myself so I was like, ‘why don’t I feel like that out of the makeup and stuff?'”

Today Teifi identifies as “queer” and prefers the pronouns they/ them.

“As a blanket term queer suits me well because I don’t really know where I am on the spectrum,” they said.

Teifi no longer has to see an oncologist but still lives with the legacy of cancer.

On discharge they were advised to prioritise their health.

“I don’t drink as much anymore, I don’t really stay out late, I’m eating better, so it’s made me push myself healthily in a good way,” they said.

Teifi said as a result of chemotherapy some of their teeth had not grown properly so they were hoping to get reconstructive dental surgery.

The months since being discharged have been emotional.

“It wasn’t until fairly recently that I’ve understood more about what I went through, and it’s kind of been a bit traumatic to be honest,” said Teifi.

“I remember being around other children who looked so poorly and a few of them passed away when I was there but I was so young I didn’t really understand what was going on at the time.”

Teifi said the experience had giving them perspective.

“Realising how close I was to not being here and how severe it was makes me immensely grateful that it was caught when it was and I’m still here today prancing around being a weirdo,” they laughed.

“I have a nicer, richer outlook on life, taking everything as it is and pushing whatever I want to do, and doing it.”