“Eldest daughter syndrome” became a social media trend in early 2024, with TikTok videos racking up millions of views. While not a real medical diagnosis, psychologists say eldest daughter syndrome is a phenomenon.
“Eldest daughter syndrome, or EDS, describes the unique pressure, responsibilities, expectations, and challenges experienced by the oldest daughter in a family,” says Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, PsyD, and LPC-Supervisor, a psychologist with Thriveworks.
Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, says these responsibilities may include caregiving, household chores and even serving as a “second parent.”
“This syndrome can lead to heightened stress, pressure to excel, and a sense of having to meet unrealistic expectations that continue into adulthood,” Dr. McGeehan explains.
However, psychologists say that many firstborn children are boxed into certain stereotypes, regardless of gender identity or sex. As a result, parents and grandparents may say certain things to an adult child that can have long-term effects. Words can hurt and damage relationships a person has with their caregivers, themselves and the world around them.
“Children who internalize frustration and anger from their parents or other authority figures reflect and project that frustration and anger onto other people,” Dr. Vaughan says. “Healthy communication helps build self-confidence. Affirming children through encouragement and praise helps them to feel loved and valued.”
No caregiver is perfect, but steering cliches and phrases when speaking to an oldest child can help. Psychologists share phrases to avoid using on oldest children and what to say instead.
Related: 12 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Stop Saying to a Youngest Child
Oldest-Child Stereotypes Psychologists Wish Would Stop Existing
Before getting into the phrases to avoid with firstborn people, it might help to understand the stereotypes that often drive them. Dr. Vaughan says oldest children are often (but not always) pegged as:
However, boxing someone into a specific “type” based on birth order can be harmful, even if it’s well-meaning.
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Overlooked as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
12 Phrases To Stop Saying to an Oldest Child, According to Psychologists
1. “Big boy/girl…”
There’s a time and place; sometimes, parents utter this phrase before that time.
“Parents might use this phrase to encourage a child to engage in a behavior that is a difficult skill or requires more than they are capable of,” Dr. Vaughan says.
Oldest kids may hear it more often.
“Often our expectations are the result of birth order or age of a child rather than individual ability,” says Dr. Brett Biller, Psy.D., the director of the Mental Health Youth Program at the Audrey Hepburn Children’s House at Hackensack University Medical Center.
Dr. Vaughan recommends opting for phrases like, “You’re getting better and better at telling me what you need.”
2. “You need to set a better example.”
The oldest kids can get put on a pedestal where every day is a stress fest, and they constantly hear this phrase.
“The idea that the oldest sibling should take on the role of another parent/caretaker… places inappropriate levels of pressure and stress on the oldest child,” says Dr. Nicholas Forlenza, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. “Not to mention, taking on this role can have a negative impact on the relationship the oldest has with their younger siblings.”
Dr. McGeehan prefers phrases like, “Wow, your sister really looks up to you—look at her paying attention.”
“Here, you’re noticing that a child is looking up to them without placing any judgment on it.” Dr. McGeehan explains.
Related: People Who Were Introverted as Children Usually Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
3. “You are the best.”
People who say this one usually mean well.
“Parents often use this with the best intentions to display love, support and affirmations,” Dr. Vaughan says. “However, this can teach a child that their love is conditioned on their performance versus who they are as a person.”
Dr. Vaughan says parents are more likely to overreact with older children (in either direction).
“This can build resentment between siblings and reinforce self-centeredness from the one receiving most of the praise,” Dr. Vaughan says. “Instead, parents should say, ‘I love you because you’re you, not because of what you accomplish.’ [or] ‘You are important to me, win or lose, happy or sad.'”
4. “You’re the responsible one.”
It reads like a compliment, but that’s rarely the intent.
“Honestly, I’ve only ever seen this comment being made to shame a child or give a warning to control their behavior,” Dr. McGeehan says. “The implication here is that you should be taking care of other people by behaving in a socially appropriate way or in a way that the speaker deems appropriate, and you should take care of them with your obedience.”
Dr. McGeehan says it leaves firstborns feeling like they carry the weight of chronic responsibility without room for mistakes.
She suggests saying, “I see you.”
“[It can be] as simple as that, but if you want to give more, maybe try ‘I see you being silly, I wonder what will happen if you keep jumping on that toy,'” Dr. McGeehan explains.
Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as ‘People-Pleasers’ Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
5. “You’re in charge when I’m not here.”
This one is a specific extension of No. 4.
“This is almost always done in a developmentally inappropriate way because a child is a child and shouldn’t be left in charge of other children,” Dr. McGeehan shares. “Now, this may be a little more appropriate after a child is over 15, and perhaps they’re babysitting a younger sibling, but I would still discourage this phrase from being used too often. It leads to role confusion.”
Dr. McGeehan warns that it can also fan the flames of sibling rivalries.
It’s important to toe the line between acknowledging signs of developing maturity while remembering they’re still a kid instead of placing responsibility on a child’s shoulders. She recommends: “I know you are an amazing helper, but remember it’s okay to ask for help if you need it.”
6. “You’re like another parent.”
Dr. Biller says phrases like this one—or terms like “mini-mom” or “mini-dad”—are often used as compliments or terms of endearment. However, they have pitfalls.
“As a caregiver, the intent of this statement is likely to empower our eldest child or even thank them for their assistance with responsibilities,” Dr. Biller explains. “Despite a caregiver’s best intent, most children, regardless of their age and birth order, don’t wish to be another parent for their children. They seek to be seen as the unique child that they are.”
Dr. Biller suggests another phrase: “I noticed that you have been trying to help out with your siblings. What is the reason you have been doing that lately?”
Related: People Who Were ‘Overly Praised’ as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
7. “You’re his big brother. You have to be nice.”
First, “We would hope that our children were nice regardless of their birth order,” Dr. Biller says.
Here’s where this phrase goes awry: “The statement provides a negative message for all children involved as it places the responsibility of being nice on the status of the relationship, rather than on the desire for our children to be kind in general,” Dr. Biller explains. “Identifying the concerning aspect of the older child’s concerning actions, exploring the reason that the older child was not being kind and addressing the foundation of the child’s actions or statements will typically be more impactful.”
For example, “I see that you are not sharing your snack. What is the reason that you do not want to share right now?”
8. “You should know better.”
This one is loaded with shame.
“It assumes that the child should always behave perfectly, ignoring their need for learning and growth,” Dr. McGeehan explains. “It also causes the child to assign shame to whatever they were doing, like having fun or taking risks, and will inhibit their ability to take chances in the future.”
Instead, Dr. McGeehan recommends saying, “Let’s talk about what can happen if we continue to make that choice.”
Related: People Who Were Told They Were ‘Too Sensitive’ as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
9. “Take care of your brother and sister.”
Once again, for the people in the back: Oldest children are not responsible for their siblings.
“Parents may use this when they need help and assistance,” Dr. Vaughan says. “The problem is it can create resentment between siblings and a toxic family dynamic.”
Dr. Vaughan says it’s more productive to ask a child if they have time to help their sibling with something specific.
“Verbalize that you would appreciate them helping with that specific task,” she says. Then, ask if they will have time to do it today or if they would like to help their sibling with a specific task.”
Related: People Who Were Considered ‘High-Achievers’ in Childhood Usually Develop These 15 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
10. “You’re supposed to be the mature one…”
This one is unfair for the same reason as the “you’re the responsible one” phrase.
“Kids should be kids, and act appropriately to their developmental level, not parent expectations because of birth order,” Dr. Forlenza says. “There is no reason to expect that the oldest child should be mature beyond their developmental level solely because of their place in the family.”
Sometimes, actions speak louder than words when responding to mistakes.
“If your oldest child does something wrong, let natural consequences be how lessons are learned,” Dr. Forlenza recommends.
11. “You’re too old for that.”
Children may do something considered age-inappropriate. That doesn’t make this phrase appropriate.
“It can force the child to grow up too quickly, denying them the chance to enjoy their childhood,” Dr. McGeehan says. “It can also cause a child to disconnect from their interests and desires down the road.”
Try this phrase recommended by Dr. McGeehan instead: “I love that you enjoy this game. Why do you enjoy it so much?”
12. “You are so caring.”
Plot twist?
“I get this can be a compliment, but generally, this is said way too often to older children who have been parentified,” Dr. McGeehan says. “So, in moderation, it’s fine… said over and over again, it can be a flag that perhaps the speaker doesn’t have any other feedback to give or overly values children who are caretaking for others.”
Dr. McGeehan suggests saying, “I appreciate your help with your siblings, but it’s important to have time for yourself too.”
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