Manipulation can come in various forms, including emotional. While emotional manipulation may not cause physical harm, the scars it leaves can be severe.
“Emotional manipulation is a form of psychological influence or control where one person deliberately uses tactics to control or influence another’s emotions, thoughts, or behaviors for their own advantage,” says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a Texas-based licensed psychologist.
Obviously, emotional manipulation is something a person would likely want to avoid. Yet, doing so can be complicated.
“Emotional manipulation can be subtle and hard to identify,” says Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. “It is important to know the signs so you can take inventory of any relationships where this is occurring.”
Knowing the signs is the first step to protecting yourself. Psychologists shared the common early signs of emotional manipulation and what to do next.
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10 Early Signs of Emotional Manipulation, According to Psychologists
1. Oversharing
Getting to know the other person can be exciting when you are new to a friendship or potentially romantic relationship. Plus, open, honest conversations are a foundation of good communication. However, sharing is not always a sign of caring.
“Individuals who engage in emotional manipulation may overshare too quickly when they are first getting to know you,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “They do this as a way to garner both empathy and sympathy so that it becomes more challenging to distance yourself from them. It is normal for many of us to feel bad for someone when they share emotional or deeper things.”
2. Guilt-tripping
Some people go paddle boarding. Emotional manipulators take you on a guilt trip. Think texts like, “If you really liked me, you’d meet up with me” after you said you were too tired. The manipulator is intentionally pinning their feelings on you and dragging you down in the process.
“When someone is guilt tripping you, they are trying to control your feelings or behavior based on something that isn’t your responsibility,” Dr. McGeehan says.
Related: 11 Phrases To Respond to Guilt-Tripping and Why They Work, According to Psychologists
3. The silent treatment
This one is an extension of guilt-tripping.
“Sometimes, people like to give us the silent treatment to guilt us or make us feel bad,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “The silent treatment can be a form of emotional manipulation when someone is using it to hurt us, especially when we confront them about something they did that was hurtful.”
4. Deflection
Speaking of issues with constructive criticism and perpetual victimhood: Emotional manipulators are never wrong but frequently wronged.
“Emotional manipulators do not accept responsibility or take accountability for their actions or mistakes,” says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. “They will spin it and try to make you feel bad or guilty, and you end up apologizing. They will deflect blame onto others, blame-shift and rarely apologize or correct their behavior.”
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5. Walking on eggshells
This one can sneak up on you or be a sign you quickly write off. There’s a reason for that: It’s a prevailing feeling that is easy to doubt if you see multiple sides to a gaslighter. One minute, the person is putting you on a pedestal. The next? You’re being criticized for something they did, not you.
“There are times when we do not have the words to describe what we are feeling or cannot put our finger on emotional manipulation,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.” That is because it can feel like we are walking on eggshells and never know what we are going to get from someone who uses emotional manipulation.”
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6. Love bombing
Love bombing sounds fantastic in theory, but it’s not, especially long-term.
“[Love bombing happens when] the manipulator showers the other person with excessive affection, attention or gifts to win them over and create a sense of obligation,” Dr. McGeehan explains. “This is another way to control someone. However, it’s done in a “positive” way and typically within the context of a romantic relationship. It entices the other person in because it makes them feel special, even though it’s only done to manipulate them.”
7. Overly critical
You may be the recipient of harsh side comments, like, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re wearing that.” The person may even say it in a way that makes you wonder if they are handing you a compliment, joking or just plain being mean. “Don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?” may come off as an attempt to care about you. It isn’t.
They are exerting their power over you in an attempt to maintain power,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
8. Triangulation
Sometimes, an emotionally manipulative person will call for backup. Dr. McGeehan sees this a lot in families and adult children, like a mother-in-law dragging her son into a conflict she’s having with his wife (her daughter-in-law). Or, one friend might tell another friend what a third person said about them to create tension.
“Typically, it’s done to control the focus of another person so that they don’t pay attention to the actual conflict,” Dr. McGeehan says. “It also deflects the attention being on them, especially if their behavior is problematic.”
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9. Gaslighting
While it may not be surprising that this one is on here, the signs of gaslighting are also hard to spot. For instance, it may come in the form of innocent comments like, “Why are you treating me like this?”
“Individuals who use emotional manipulation rely on gaslighting to control or coerce someone,” explains Dr. Lira de la Rosa. “They make you doubt your emotions or experiences as a way to exert control.”
10. Passive-aggressive behavior
Back-handed comments and the cold shoulder fit this bill.
“The manipulator uses indirect hostility, sarcasm or subtle insults to express anger or resentment,” Dr. McGeehan says. “This one can show up early as a warm-up of sorts.”
Related: 7 Direct Phrases to Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Behavior, According to a Psychologist
What To Do if You’re Being Emotionally Manipulated
1. Get other perspectives
Dr. Lira de la Rosa says that emotional manipulation can drag on and become more damaging because a person may feel isolated (a key strategy of the manipulator).
“The person who uses emotional manipulation thrives on keeping someone in their control and will ensure that the person they are manipulating doubts themselves,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “It can be very helpful to talk with people who do not know the person to check out what they think about your experiences with that relationship.”
2. Set boundaries
Dr. McGeehan says it’s vital to set clear boundaries about what is acceptable and communicate them assertively.
“Consistently enforcing boundaries signals that manipulation will not be tolerated. It will also drive away someone who is emotionally manipulative,” Dr. McGeehan says. “They don’t play well with folks who are going to not put up with their behavior.”
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3. Trust yourself
While seeking outside perspective is important, know that something that feels off is worth exploring. Dr. McGeehan says your intuition can be powerful.
“It can alert you to subtle manipulative tactics before they escalate into more serious emotional harm,” she explainss.
Bonus: “It’s also going to reinforce a positive sense of self because you are trusting yourself, which will raise your self-esteem,” she continues. “It’s also much easier to protect someone who you trust and like. If that person is you, it bodes really well for building healthy relationships and taking care of yourself.”
Dr. McGeehan says that taking care of yourself may mean going to therapy to work through your emotions and heal.
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