When you’re a kid, every movie that you see is good. Children don’t usually notice the nuances of film and performance that separate the good from the bad, they’re just blown away by the visuals or the fun story or characters. It’s not until you get older that you realize that bad movies are a thing, and by then your nostalgia for youth often blinds you to those early movies you loved so much.
But, make no mistake. Some of those movies that you loved as a kid, that maybe you still love today, are actually really bad. If you were a kid in the ’80s, then more than a few of these will be familiar. It’s ok to still love them because of the way they made you feel, but it’s important to also acknowledge that some of the movies we loved were terrible.
The Wizard
Before Hollywood had an ever-increasing list of upcoming video game movies, they tried to make playing video games a movie itself. The Wizard starred Fred Savage and was basically just a commercial for Nintendo, the Power Glove, and the then-upcoming Super Mario Bros. 3, with a bare-bones plot surrounding it.
Mac And Me
E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial is one of the greatest ’80s movies ever made. That was clearly the inspiration for Mac and Me, but the vague plot similarities are all these two films have in common. Mac and Me works better as a Paul Rudd gag than it does as a movie.
Masters Of The Universe
A live-action movie based on Masters of the Universe was probably the coolest thing ever for many kids in the ’80s. Dolph Lundgren was perhaps the best possible casting at the time, but while the characters are still pretty fun, moving the action to Earth removes most of what made He-Man fun.
The Karate Kid Part III
The Karate Kid was a great movie, and its first sequel certainly had some charm. However, by The Karate Kid Part III, it’s clear the franchise was losing steam. Everybody here is just going through the motions and there’s barely enough story to sustain the runtime. Even Ralph Macchio doesn’t love the movie anymore.
Superman IV: The Quest For Peace
Christopher Reeve’s Superman is the movie superhero by which all others are judged. However, even his own sequels come up short by that measurement. Superman IV had a timely message regarding the fear of nuclear weapons, but it was delivered with an incredibly boring villain and a criminal underuse of Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor.
Teen Wolf Too
Teen Wolf is one of Michael J. Fox’s great movies. It was a solid hit in its day, so in response, rather than a real sequel, the studio decided to basically remake the movie over again, replacing Fox for Jason Bateman and the sport of basketball with boxing. The end result is about as interesting as that sounds.
All Dogs Go To Heaven
The ’80s were a rough time for Disney animation, but the medium remained strong in the decade thanks to great animated films not by Disney, but Don Bluth and his hits like An American Tail and The Secret of NIMH. His final film of the decade, All Dogs Go To Heaven, was just about as popular as those others, but it’s not nearly as good, especially when compared to the beginning of the Disney Renaissance which started at the same time.
A Christmas Story
A lot of people have very nostalgic feelings for A Christmas Story both as an ’80s movie, and a Christmas movie, but the fact of the matter is the movie just isn’t actually that good. A Christmas Story has real problems. It’s a grating movie with annoying characters who don’t grow or change or honestly do anything the least bit interesting.
Ernest Goes To Camp
Jim Varney’s Ernest was such a popular character in a series of TV commercials in the ’80s that the character eventually graduated to television and film. Ernest Goes to Camp was the character’s feature film debut, and while the juvenile humor might have appealed to you when you were an actual juvenile, now it’s just dumb.
Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie
If you weren’t around in the 1980s then explaining what Garbage Pail Kids were is going to be a lost cause. You had to be there. It’s not a shock that somebody thought turning the still images kids’ were obsessed with into a movie would be a good idea. If you were a fan of the trading cards you may have been a fan of the movie, but it’s one of the worst ones ever made.
Supergirl
With the success of the Superman movies, it’s little surprise that a Supergirl move followed in short order. Seeing Supergirl on the big screen and taking on supervillains just like her cousin was cool, but the movie obviously wasn’t given the same care as the first two Superman films. It looks and feels like a cheap knock-off of the franchise in every conceivable way.
The Fox And The Hound
The Fox and the Hound may have been the first animated Disney movie for a lot of young kids, and so it holds a special place in hearts. But the movie is just nothing. It’s lovely to look at, but it’s missing the soul of the Disney films that came before, and would come after.
The Legend Of The Lone Ranger
If you thought that the Lone Ranger movie starring Johnny Depp was the only bad movie about the masked man, then you were not a kid in the ’80s. That film has everything a Lone Ranger movie needs: masks, horses, gun fights, and “The William Tell Overture” but even with all that the movie is surprisingly lacking in energy. This may be due to the fact that the main character’s entire performance is overdubbed. It’s that kind of a mess of a movie, but you probably didn’t notice that as a kid.
The Beastmaster
If you were a kid in the ’80s then The Beastmaster was either a go-to VHS rental for sleepover nights or an ever-present cable TV movie. You probably saw it so often as a kid that it burned into your memory. However, your memory is playing tricks on you; this is a bargain bin Conan movie and little more.
Popeye
If you watched Popeye cartoons as a kid then you likely checked out the live-action movie at some point, as well. Some of the movie’s bizarre choices, like the fact that the Robin Williams-led film was a musical, may have worked when you were a kid, but now the whole thing just looks and feels bizarre. The fact that nobody has made a Popeye movie since indicates just how tough it is to do this one right.
Flight Of The Navigator
When you’re a kid, any movie where the hero is a kid is going to grab your attention. And what kid hasn’t dreamed of meeting friendly aliens or flying spaceships? Unfortunately, beyond the wish fulfillment of children, there’s nothing in Flight of the Navigator except Paul Reubens doing his Pee-Wee Herman voice.
Short Circuit 2
The original Short Circuit, about a robot who is struck by lightning and gains sentience (because that’s how that works), is actually pretty fun. The sequel really isn’t. As a kid you just like the movie about the funny talking robot. As an adult, you notice Fisher Stevens’ racist brown face and the paper-thin plot.
The Black Cauldron
Disney’s The Black Cauldron could have been a massive shift in the sorts of animated films we got from the Mouse House. It was unlike anything we’d seen before from Disney, which may have been just what you wanted if you were the right age in the ’80s. The Black Cauldron nearly killed Disney Animation it was so bad, but that doesn’t mean that kids who saw it didn’t love it.
Superman III
Superman is popular, and Richard Pryor is famous so clearly what the world needs is a movie with the two of them together. This movie was certainly the most mature in this particular franchise, and while you might not have noticed as a kid focusing on the cool superhero stuff, it’s impossible not to notice now that everything about this movie is wrong.
Ghostbusters 2
As a kid, Ghostbusters 2 might be preferable to the original. It’s a bit lighter in tone and the characters are a bit sillier. It includes the Statue of Liberty being controlled by a Nintendo joystick. But, the things you loved as a kid are part of the reason the sequel doesn’t work as well as the original.
Herbie Goes Bananas
The Love Bug movies, which focused on a sentient Volkswagon named Herbie and the humans who drive him, were movies made for children. Any child of the ’80s likely watched them all. Herbie Goes Bananas was the final film of the original series, and that’s not a shock, as it seemed by the fourth movie that all the gags they could think of had been used. Even adding Cloris Leachman and Harvey Korman didn’t help.
The Secret Of The Sword
The Secret of the Sword was designed to be the first few episodes of the She-Ra: Princess of Power cartoon series, but the movie version actually got a theatrical release first. While both the He-Man and She-Ra cartoons were popular, they were little more than toy commercials, and that’s all the more apparent looking back with a mature eye.
Rad
If riding your bike with your friends was something you were into, then Rad was probably the definition of an aspirational story. A kid chases a dream of becoming a professional BMX racer. That’s basically all there is to it. Even if you love BMX racing as an adult, this one is hard to get through now.
Caravan Of Courage: An Ewok Adventure/Ewoks: The Battle For Endor
The era in between the original Star Wars trilogy and the prequel Star Wars trilogy was met with many different attempts to build on the franchise. Among them were a pair of made-for-TV movies set on Endor and starring the beloved little furry Ewoks. As a kid you thought Ewoks were cute and anything Star Wars was cool. Now we know these were actually the first bad Star Wars movies.
Thrashin’
If you were a skateboarder as a kid in the 1980s, then it’s all but certain that you came across Thrashin’. It stars a post-Goonies Josh Brolin in what is basically Romeo + Juliet if the Montagues and Capulets were teenage skateboard gangs. It’s about as deep as that sounds, but it does have a switchblade knife duel on skateboards, so there’s that.
D.A.R.Y.L.
In the ’80s computers were these new magical things with no conceivable limits beyond our imagination. This led to a host of movies where computers did, or were, incredible things. D.A.R.Y.L. had a child protagonist, so it was more interesting to most ’80s kids than other films in the genre. It wasn’t the best effort.
The Care Bears Movie
The Care Bears Movie was a smash hit in 1985 that grossed more at the domestic box office than Disney’s The Black Cauldron the same year. This one clearly meant a lot to the kids. But, like many movies of its era, it’s more commercial than movie, and if you’re not buying what it’s selling, there’s little else to recommend it.
Conan The Destroyer
Conan the Barbarian is one of the movies that made Arnold Schwarzenegger the star he is today. The sequel is a bit more accessible and kid-friendly, and by kid-friendly, we mean the plot is really silly. If there’s one reason that a King Conan movie has struggled to get made, it’s the existence of Conan the Destroyer.
Little Monsters
Little Monsters was a movie that most of us probably rented at the video store because the kid from The Wonder Years was in it. It’s full of silly childish humor and just the sort of movie that little kids will probably love. But, then you outgrow the humor and realize how dumb it is.
No Holds Barred
If you discovered professional wrestling as a kid in the 1980s then you were probably very excited for No Holds Barred, Hulk Hogan’s first movie role, where he played…a professional wrestling champion. It’s not exactly an acting stretch, and it’s as predictable and formulaic as you can imagine. It’s all you wanted in the ’80s. You want more now.
G.I. Joe: The Movie
G.I. Joe: The Movie very much follows the formula set before it by The Transformers movie. Both were based on animated cartoons/toy lines and made films designed to introduce the new set of action figures. While The Transformers movie at least took some risks and has survived the test of time because of it, this movie did not, and it’s sterile and dull because of it.
Annie
1982’s Annie was the first film based on the popular stage musical, and while the movie produced some iconic versions of the musical’s songs, that’s about all there is to say about it now. If you love Annie then the movie is exactly what you were looking for, but it has no style of its own.
Not every movie stands the test of time in quite the same way. We all change as people and that means the way we approach art changes, too. It’s still ok to love these movies because they were important to you once, but we don’t need to pretend that everything we loved as kids was actually good.
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